4. Broken Hearts do Mend

C is a 24-year-old subeditor working in Australia. She enjoys her faith, her friends and her lifestyle in Down Under. Surrounded by wonderful mates both Singapore and Australia, she reckons life is awesome and fun.

“G, I cannot be lied to again.”

He was my driving instructor. I was in Australia all by myself and I struggled in an alien country with a larger-than-life culture. Without any genuine friends and family members by my side, it didn’t take him too long before he acted as the Protector role in my desolated state-of-mind.

Imagine: two lonely people, stuck in a car. One, a hopeless driver, the other, patient and endearing, coaxing my confidence level up in the scary world of fearless drivers, loud car horns and tonnes of unforgiving steel bodies.

I was his speed monster, he was my saviour. The knight in shining armour, saving the panicky damsel in distress. It didn’t take us too long before we experienced the furtive brush of hands when I had trouble negotiating the gear stick, which later progressed into a surreptitious episode of lips-lock.

He said he was divorced.
I believed him, there was noone else to trust. My classes were interrupted with interludes of shopping at the malls, sipping coffee from quaint cafes and lazy lunches along the riverside. We’d meet again when he was done with classes.

His deceit ended in the strangest way possible. A regular at the local pub, I met Gav. He shared the same surname as G. It didn’t take me too long to realise G was married. Twice.

My source couldn’t be more reliable. Gav was G’s first son.
I chose not to confront G. A silent exit, I thought, would be more elegant than a hysterical showdown of fingerpointing. I got my licence anyway, I didn’t need him anymore.

The pain was petrifying and unpredictable. I berated myself for being the bad guy in someone else’s marriage. Insomnia overtook my body clock, I laid in bed, petrified of retribution and bad karma. His unrelentless visits to my house and workplace did not help me redeem myself. It wasn’t long before I took to alcohol and other substances to distract me.

I learnt that flings with randoms were not a cure- they only served to poison me further into the spiral of self-loathe. Alcohol and harder substances were, unsurprisingly, worse. That was unadulterated stupidity on my part.

I got through it. It took me eight months to rid myself of addictions and to get over what happened. I’m not too sure if I’ve healed completely yet. The concept of a committed relationship is still a lore which I hope will become a fact one day. I fear getting into the quagmire of intense emotions with someone who can hurt me with double the potency.

But through it all, I found out that broken hearts do mend, no matter what other songs might say.

I thought the below steps were especially helpful.
1) Surround yourself with friends. Genuine friends. I took solace in a group of people from the same country as me, thinking the identical nationality would mean they were decent people. I was wrong, they swindled money out of me and used me as a conversation starter.

2) If you find yourself stuck the abyss of loneliness, tell someone. I told my best friend in Singapore and he made me feel better through emails and msn messages. Get help. Don’t give hints about how your feel or pretend everything is ok. Admit there’s a problem with being in sadness all day long.

3) Take daily long walks/ jogs. When I was overwhelmed, I took a two hour walk/jog everyday. Of course, choose somewhere safe.

4) Have faith that you will get out of it. I went back to my faith which I forsake two years ago before I came to Australia. Faith stopped me from making more stupid mistakes.

3. You can move on and perhaps find that someone new

Ari, Indonesia

For me I mended my broken heart through music. I started listening to sad love songs and then started to sing them. I was not a good singer at the time. Somehow I started to really like singing and pretty soon, singing became my passion. And it erased that sad broken heart feeling.

Soon after listening and singing to sad songs, I wanted to improve my singing and I began to explore more upbeat happy music. I started to sing more upbeat rock songs. This is when you get really feel that feeling of letting go. And you can feel that you can move on and perhaps find that someone new.

Some of the sad indonesian songs I started with:
unguband ‘Seperti Yang Dulu’ song is about a guy who says to his girl no need to return to him, because there will be no love in his heart like in the past for her.

More Happy Songs that I started to sing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zzy3jOUW-sk – Its about a relationship as it happens through the 12 months.

After singing at karaoke for some time, I had the inspiration to write my own songs. And here hopefully i will begin a new journey in music and love.

2. But one thing that doesn’t change…is LOVE

WC is a 24 y/o inspiring animator and illustrator, driven by his passion to tell stories of sorts through film making and animation. WC is also a passionate and avid fan of the blues and guitar, hoping one day he could probably make good use of his so called “talents”.

***

This is one of those rare occasions where I decide to look back on the past again with such depths. Anyway it’s good to remember those days of yonder, once in a blue blue moon.

I met her at a church camp some years ago, which makes it 2002, dang that’s long. I remember stepping into the camp hall and just being so attracted to her, its definitely one of those moments where you end up saying to yourself, this has to be something. To cut the long story short, I went through a period of 2 years just getting to know her slowly as a friend, being rejected a couple of times, and then eventually winning her heart. All of this was just very romantic, the way things happened, the things we did together, the falling in love with each other, it all felt so meant to be, like a fantasy. Looking back on it now, it seemed that we became so close and so intimate, people thought we were inseparable. And I thought so too. Of course we had our rainy moments, signs and tales that I should have picked up but instead ignored.

Eventually it came for her time to move overseas to pursue her education and dreams, came the point where I had to let go and trust in things that I could not see. Hearing stories of failed long distance relationships from other people did not really help either. To make things seem darker, I had to fulfill my duties in national service, and being on that lonely island without her for me at the point just seemed all too dreadful. The days became long, the hours became unbearable, and the minutes were excruciating. The missing became so overwhelming that I without knowing fell into a mild depression.

Then she begin ignoring me phone calls, my messages. One day I found out that there was a guy in her church overseas who had been chasing her, passionately. I became insecure, and jealous, this increased the emotional toll on her and me.

One day I then received a 7 sms long text from her, she said in the messages that she had decided to break things off , she felt that the whole relationship was going no where. I was utterly destroyed, after all the love and life that we shared, I was not even worth a phone call, just a long cold sms telling me my future, no discussion, no let’s think about it, just goodbye.

However that was not the end, in the coming weeks we begin purging a cold war against each other, sending sarcastic emails of hate and emotions of betrayal against each other. I think it probably took about a couple of months till everything just became dead silent, and so begin my long emotional road of healing and self discovery.

In the many months, in fact years of just looking back, and asking why, I think I have always known the answer but was just not satisfied with it. At first the blame game seemed like a really good solution to everything. I would blame her for leaving me, her for not knowing what she was missing out on, believing that I deserved better, and was so determined to out do everything she did, just to prove to her (and myself). This, philosophy (preached by many), worked for a good year or so, but my heart still was not at peace. I knew that I still needed some form of closure to it.

A key aspect in my healing journey was also a movement I discovered called “The Blues”. Any pop musician (especially if you are an electric guitarist) can immediately identify with me the theology behind the blues. Its sound is just raw, so full of tension, yet so dignified. But most of all, it expressed my heart. Initially, learning this contemporary music form was just a way for me to prove myself, but as time moved on, I grew into it and found it as my companion and a way for me to reconcile with the wounds in my heart.

I also begin indulging in other sports, rock climbing, windsurfing, soccer, gym. Just to get my mind off the issues I had. That also some how failed to work for me, because at some point, you would still have to lie on your bed in the dark, thinking and remembering.

Then I started to date again, going at all sorts of lengths to move a girl’s heart. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, my emotional baggage could just move on to someone else, take the focus off my ex and start afresh with someone. Nah, that did not work either. Instead, I became a big fool and embarrassment to the world of single dating. So I thought maybe it’s not me, maybe its just the women in Singapore, why do they have to be so spoilt and materialistic and idealistic. I became so self righteous in myself, that I did not see things the way they really were.

One day, I came to be inspired by one of the greatest guitarist of all time. Stevie Ray Vaughan, even just typing his name out sends shivers down my spine. His blues driven guitar music was so powerful and so soulful, it’s just so addictive and emotional for me. I started doing my own research, on his auto biography and the influences in his life. Like most musician, SRV went through his own down moments with drugs and alcohol. Eventually he reached his breaking point, and had to pick his own life up. Unlike most rehab stories, SRV came out of his hole learning that the only thing that has ever and will ever matter in life is love. The will to love and be love by others, because that is all we can take with us when we are gone.

Love, that’s a word that is just so, broad, so deep, so mind boggling. Even till today, people still question its true meaning, its intentions, its implications, its pleasures, and its sacrifices. What does it mean to love?
Then I realised, as much as I have been hurt and felt cheated in my heart. I have not truly loved if I have to be honest with myself. I have not been how a man should have been to a woman. Many a times I did not choose to be a gentleman in my ways, or showed the love that a woman requires, most of all I felt that I did not sacrifice enough. I focused so much on her faults that I failed to look at mine. When I thought about love, I became humbled.

That was the turning point in my journey, the change of focus if you will. Now a couple of years later, I have found the confidence in myself again, reconciled with my misgivings and short comings and ready to love once again whole.

In my opinion, I do not believe in the different steps you probably could have in recovering from a relationship. Simply because, creating steps 1, 2 ,3 is like labeling relationships as possibly a form that can be controlled, that it can be synthesized by methods. But you can’t, doing that will just degrade the wonders and mysteries of love.

What is a relationship? Is it not to be in journey with a companion? If we think we can figure out the steps of a journey, then we all would not have to think of solutions for our problems now. I’m not saying this is for everyone, I am not perfect, and all I can really do is share my experience with others.

But one thing that doesn’t change from all of this is LOVE. Because even when the breakups begin, the hurts start swelling, the love doesn’t, shouldn’t and will not stop. Through love, we find reconciliation, recovery, we find meaning and healing. For as scriptures have written the greatest of all these commandments given by God is that to love each other, even your enemies.

I hope and pray in this sharing, that you may find your own journey in life, in all aspects be it in relationships, or work, or even your dreams.

1. Beer for breakfast, wine for lunch, beer and wine for dinner

Frozen is a 23 yr old Producing student currently studying in a film school down under. While she always craves for a romantic relationship to fill that void, she finds it hard to put herself into the game again… to open her heart to pain again..

***

I’ve known him for a year, but hated him to my guts because he was my manager. But after he left the company, we met again by chance when i decided to go to a staff party that he went to as well. It was there that i realised, he wasn’t such an arsehole afterall, or so i thought.

1 month into the dating phase, he disappeared out of the blue. We were suppose to meet that night, but he just didn’t show up. I waited and waited, and probably dialed his number till my phone battery ran flat. His phone was off.

That went on for 4 days. By then, i’ve had enough. I called him 1 last time, and this time, i left him a voice message, “I’m sick and tired of all this waiting. We’re over.”

And guess what, he called back the very next minute.

He came up with a whole chunk of senseless excuse which basically sums up to “i’m sorry, but lets take a break.”

I was broken. So broken. Shattered into a million zillion pieces. I’ve not been in a relationship for 4 years, and when i’ve finally decided to give it a go, this shit happened.

For the next 2 months, I saw some of my good friends slowly drifting away from me. I’ve whined so much about him to them that they’ve given up on me. I was desolated. Nothing they said mattered. I was bent on the belief that he met someone else.

Alcohol became my new best friend. All i had in my fridge were beers and wines. Beer for breakfast, wine for lunch, beer and wine for dinner.

I was suffering. My studies, body and wallet were suffering too. I fell into depression.

People don’t understand. They go, “it was just a month! Get over it!” It’s not the length of the relationship you f***heads! It’s me, beginning to love again after 4 years, and then this happens!

Yes, slowly all you friends would seem like f***heads to you cause they always say things that you hate to hear.

Counseling didn’t help at all. Work did. I tried to occupy every singly free moment of my day so that I won’t think about the pain. I got 3 part time jobs even though it was nearing the end of the semester where all our assignments were due. I turned my focus to work and threw out the alcohol.

Took me 2 months to finally get over him. But just when i thought I can move on, he called.

“Hey, lets catch up for a drink or something.”

Easy for you to say! No freaking way i’m gonna see you again! DUH~~

Not.

I was a sucker. I said yes and went, regretting it till date.

He apologised for all the stupid things he had done before and wanted to start anew. I hesitated at first, but he reassured me that the same thing won’t happen again and that we’ll have a 100% open communication relationship. And I fell for it.

A month into the repaired relationship, I left for a 2 months holiday. We continued talking on Skype and everything was going well. He seemed like he’s fallen deeper in love with me.

Fast forward 2 months, and i came back. But things were different. No one said anything, but the relationship was suffering. We were hearing and speaking to each other, but we weren’t talking and listening. We weren’t as close physically as before. Not much hugs and cuddles and kisses.

What happened to 100% open communication? Long flushed away, down the “lies” toilet bowl.

Admittedly, I was partially at fault. During my holiday, i met some new people and did, of course, met someone whom I had interest in. Someone who was cuter, and in many other ways, in my perception, was better than him.

Recipe for disaster… And it struck 2 weeks after.

We had a huge fight. Strangely enough, over him not checking the movie times to “He’s just not that into you”.

Trivial, it may seem. But what he doesn’t understand, is that, i’m not pissed about him “not checking the movie times”, but i’m pissed about him going back on his words, again!

He SAID that we would go to the movies on the day, but FORGOTTEN all about till the day before when I reminded him. Then he SAID he would check the movie times, which he then conveniently FORGOT to do again.

This is not the first time his “memory failed”. Why don’t he just FORGET about me and this whole damn relationship too? If I am not important enough to remember shit like that, lets just FORGET about it already!

We trashed everything out. Needless to say, I was at fault too. I admitted and I apologised for my faults and unintentional acts that I did.

But here’s the best part. Not only did he not apologise, HE PUSHED ALL THE BLAME TO ME! Saying that I am the petty, insensitive and not understanding one.

Oh… So now it’s ALL MY FAULT. Thanks.

What happened to “open communication”? “I thought you knew, i thought you would understand.” Why did he keep assuming things? I’m not a mind reader, i can’t see your thoughts!

So we parted that day with the line, “You wanted to talk, we’ve talked. Now i’m going home to think about it, and you can go home and think about it too.”

No thanks. No thinking needed. This is a no-brainer. I want out. This is over, and should have been last September.

So that’s my story. At the moment i’m just waiting for the right time to make that breakup phone call.

Here’s my take on getting over a heartbreak:

1) TIME.
Everyone says, “time heals”. That’s not what I’m going to say.

What i’m going to say is that, there’s NO SHORTCUT to the heartbreak road. Sorry. You have to walk, crawl or drag yourself through it, whether you like it or not.

Experiencing the extreme pain would help you get over the relationship. Avoiding the tears, grief and hurt will only keep the pain of the breakup in your heart.

So if someone tells you, “don’t cry” or “don’t be upset”, it’s all bullshit. You’ve been hurt, and you have the RIGHT to be upset. No difference from a physical wound.

2) Fill your time
Whether its surrounding yourself with friends all the time, or taking up 10 part-time jobs, just fill your time.

The more free time you have, the more you allow yourself to willow in your hurt.

I know i’ve just said “you have the right to be hurt”. Yes, but you can’t DROWN yourself in hurt. The pain of heartbreak is PART of your life, but not your life.

3) Grab a good breakup book, especially if you need closure.
As cheesy as it sounds, I actually read 2 breakup books while I was getting over him.

They provide an insight on possible reason why the relationship fail and why you guys weren’t meant to be anyway.

I recommend reading those with other people’s stories. Because sometimes, it’s just easier to identify with someone else’s story then to evaluate your own. Books that addresses you as the Subject may be too harsh and confronting for the frail broken heart of yours.

Titles I would recommend are “It’s called breakup because it’s broken” and “He’s just not that into you.” Both books have a nice and lighthearted approach which would bring a smile to your face.

4)Take a break, go away for a holiday.
If it is within your budget and you have the ability to do so, I would highly recommend a holiday. Probably best if it’s 2 weeks or more.

Going away to a foreign land is the 1st step to taking your mind off him.

There, you won’t pass by that cafe that you guys used to hang out at, won’t see that place you guys use to meet and definitely won’t bump into him accidentally (unless he’s a stalker…).

Going on holiday is not a Magic Bullet. During the first few days, you would still find yourself thinking about him. “He would’ve love this place.. Wouldn’t it be great if he was here with me?”

That is perfectly normal, and it’s only right that you feel that way. But try to keep it to just a few days. That is why I think 2 weeks is a good duration because it gives you enough time to get your mind off him and focus on the new sights and sounds of your holiday destination.

Take the time to relax and enjoy yourself. If you meet someone new, all the more better! But it’s not healthy to go FOCUSING on getting someone new. You’ll find yourself being even more disappointed if you don’t. Just go with the flow! : D

For me, by the time i’m back from the holiday, I would have gotten over the heartbreak already. I would feel like i’ve ended that sad, tear-soaked chapter of my life and i’m starting a new one.

This is my take on mending a broken heart (and an extremely long one). I hope it helps someone.

100 heart healers

Truth be told, the set up of this blog is inspired by the pain and hurt from a breakup. Going through all that emotion crunching deals hurts like crazy. However, it doesn’t mean we need to hide in a hole, curl ourselves up in bed and cry to sleep every night.

We believe that good things will come, and the rainbow will come after the storm subsides. That applies for life, but it also applies for broken relationships.

We’re aiming to collect 100 ways to mend a broken heart here, where the winner with the best advice/tip gets to walk away with a small prize.

Perhaps it’s something you’ve gone through yourself. Or a terribly thing that happened to your best friend. We want to know what you did to pull through, to heal yourself. So submit it to us, in a format like you’re advising a friend over a cuppa coffee at the cafe. Chocolate cake and all.

Send us your story and we’ll put it up here with a countdown ticker.

And if you’re going through the hurt and pain this very minute, just know that things will start getting better. Trust me.